Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:56 pmwas angry today. like really really angry. like I couldnt even control myself.
I shouted at some of my classmates during lunch, then in BM class I asked a friend of mine to leave me alone, then went to toilet and slightly banged the classroom door. *sighs. even someone said I PMS. duh =.= no leh. it's not even my time of the month.. yet .
Now.. who am I angry at? and why?
I had been thinking about this all day, since break time.
was I angry at G?
no. couldnt be. I can never be angry at him, well, with my current feelings la. There are times when I actually go away from him during classes. But it wasnt because of anger. I wasnt angry. not at all.
I was simply sad, because of whatever things he had said, because of him saying that I suit whichever guy, because of him teasing me with a guy and asked me to go out with him. It was like as if he was saying "hey there, I dont like you, but that guy over there seems to like you. why dont you date him instead?"
How can I be not sad? oh wells. anyways I've figured out that I wasnt angry at G.
many people would have thought so, since she's been giving me quite a lot of stress nowadays, but no. am not angry at her. she's in fact a good study partner, and I can go all kiasu with her. pfft.
no no no no and no. why should I be angry at them? for no reason? funny lah. anyways,no not them :))
okay lah . im angry at myself. I think .
It's like just now ,during break time, I saw G with his firends. The moment I passed by, the moment our eyes met, he went away. :( then..I dont know lah. I just feel that we're getting more distant. He's doing okay with all other girls, smiling and laughing normally, teasing them as usual. but when it has something to do with me, the atmosphere becomes awkward. like really really awkward .til the extent that I sometimes can't say anything, and it has to be him who starts conversing..
hmphh. wait, what does it have to do with my anger?
well. as you can see. I CAN DO NOTHING. I can't take a step forward, which is upsetting. I can only steal glances, can only stare at his back, and move my gaze when anyone seems to notice me. hmph. useless. rawr . thats why ,was so angry at myself. I felt like crying but, *sighs*, dont want lah. and I promised Devi not to cry for a month anyways.
oh mai. why am I so useless? why is it always him who starts the greetings? or the conversations? why cant I start them? well I want to. I've been wanting to. but I'm scared that he'll only think of me as an annoyance. scared he'll turn me away. scared he'll ignore me. scared he'll start avoiding me again. scared someone will see it and tease him, which will obviously result in him avoiding me. again.
I think I think too much.
anyways what kind of face should I put tomorrow? quite a number of people noticed my mood swing just now (again, wanna say it's not my time of the month.)
Should I put a cold face, focus in studying, and act like nothing has happened and nothing's bothering me?
should I just act as usual?
or should I be emotional, punch stuffs when I'm angry, cry when I want to cry? duh. dunno lah .
Damn you G. you got me thinking about you for practically the whole day. and now see, I am not studying. Im blogging and describing how I feel instead. Damn you G. you make it hard for me to concentrate in studying :p