Saturday, 9 June 2012 @ 11:17 pm
The title is meant to act as a warning, I tell you. Im about to burst. duhh obviously emotionally.
This trip back home to Indonesia made me think a lot, a little too much in fact.
Recently, my uncle passed away. He was an uncle from my mother's side. He was the oldest, with my mum being the youngest among all. From what I've heard, he was very kind. When my mum heard about him passing away, she tried to act normal. Her voice didnt change, she didnt gasp or anything, but I could tell she was so sad. My grandmother actually cried so badly and refused to eat...
I, when my mum told me he passed away, didnt cry. I was sad, but didnt shed a single tear.
I cant even remember his face, not even his name, the last time I met him was years ago, I couldnt even remember when or where.
I grew up with the relatives from dad's side. I rarely see those from mum's side. I only remember them from mum's stories, from their angpaos during CNY, what a shameless niece I am.
Worse is, mum didnt allow me follow her to attend the funeral. I want to at least see him for the last time. RIP, uncle. (I still dont know his name....)
Do you know about my last trip to Singapore? It was just months ago, March, I think. The reason was to visit and accompany my grandpa while he was undergoing surgeries. One was to remove his kidney stone, the other one's highly confidential.
Anyway, just 3 years ago, I saw him every morning, eating his porridge and watching some chinese news I dont understand. He moved around by himself, he was very very healthy for a man in his 80s.
After the surgeries, he had trouble in passing out urine. His bladder couldnt hold, and he couldnt move around by himself. So everyday, there's always at least one of my uncles/aunties staying over at my place to take care of him. To bathe him. To help him move around. To tell him stories to help him recall events of the past.
Just being there to witness the sight pains me. I really want to somehow be of any help to him, but Im pretty much useless when it comes to this.
why oh why am I such a person? Im not a good niece, not a good granddaughter even. what kind of person am I supposed to be, then?